After three months of mopey, self-indulgent PTTD (Post Traumatic Travel Disorder) I decided I wasn’t making enough of an effort to fit in with my own people.
So when my good friend Carolina suggested we go to church so that I might stop obsessively baking molasses cookies and instead find a purpose in life, I said, ‘Oh Jesus Fucking Christ, are you shitting me?’
I’m an agnostic. That means I don’t know, and I don’t know if you know. You know?
It’s the most commitment-phobic belief system out there and I enjoy all the ways it allows me to be wishy-washy, flippy-floppy, and as detached as possible to any depth of thought related to the spiritual meaning of life.
It’s how I like to live my life in general. Being agnostic also allows me to make fun of every organized religion in equal measure, but I’ve always had a soft spot for Christian evangelicals.
‘It’s not an ordinary church,’ said Carolina, who has in fact has accepted Jesus into her heart. ‘My friend invited me - he worships in Tongues.’
Ooh. What?
‘You know, the kind of service where people are possessed by the power of God and start speaking His language. Tongues.'
Wait a minute. If God is American (and - obviously - he is), he speaks English. Anyone who grew up in our education system knows other languages don't matter because other countries don't matter.
We are his favorite. He is ours! He is monotheistic. We are monolingual! We are so meant to be...
So, what's with the foreign chitchat, Ubiquitary Master of the Universe?
'God doesn't actually speak a language, he speaks through people in different ways. Didn't you go to Bible camp? Anyway, if we’re lucky, you might get to see an exorcism. I know how much you like underworldly projectile vomit... tempted?’
How could I possibly say no to this? I have only seen such novelty on the Holy Trinity, Sky Angel and GOD1, GOD2, GOD3 and GOD4 channels. To see the omnipresent power speaking in Tongues through real-life Auburners?
I probably should have seen the following as a sign from the King of Kings (or whomever):
1. The Tongues church is located in a shopping center called The Great Wall Mall.
2. It is located adjacent to an acrylic nail salon with Hello Kitty clocks in the window and abuts the Saigon Musics & Video store.
3. I’m pretty sure this church used to be a Korean kimchee joint, because I was smelling spicy boiled cabbage and vinegar all through the homily.
Okay, so it wasn’t the classiest temple of worship I’ve ever seen, with mirror-lined walls and an industrial kitchen in the corner. But there was a lot going on when we walked in. The Live Tongues Band was belting out some gospel jams while three preachers skulked around the haphazard pulpit, one with arms outstretched to heaven, one sitting down looking sort of bewildered, and the third on his knees, petting the carpet and chanting.
Chanting… in Tongues?!
No, I could understand him saying something about sacrifice and forgiveness. In English.
Sigh. False alarm!
The Tongue-gregation was in various stages of musical rapture, with lots of people periodically hollering Hallelujah!, singing off-key and just moving with the spirit, man.
The spirit moved me to sit down right away and try to blend, wondering if people could sense I was a fraud. I clapped a little to help with the acculturation and smiled encouragingly at the little girl in the front row who knew every lyric and projected like she was auditioning for American Idol.
But why was she not singing in Tongues, the Official Language of Lucifer?
I did the mature, rational thing I always do when trapped in an Asian shopping mall full of earnest evangelicals with overstimulated hippocampi: I started giggling. A lot.
‘Oh my heavens, Julie, what are you doing!’ Carolina was annoyed with me.
‘Dude, I’m really sorry, but this is hilarious… and did you really just say ‘oh my heavens’?’
‘I feel so guilty right now. It’s like we’re making fun of their faith! It’s so wrong.’
‘Yeah… so, so wrong. Hey, do you think we’re going to burn in the eternal flames of the abyss?’
Conveniently, I don’t believe in hell and I think people would be less stressed if they didn’t either.
‘You might. I’m a safe bet. Here, learn something.’ She handed me a Bible.
Ugh.
This was getting so boring. I felt duped. Like Carolina had brought me to a real church with real freaky fundamentalists, not speaking in real Tongues.
‘If I don’t see an exorcism in five minutes, I’m out of here!’
'The demonic extraction and Tongue convos happen later in the afternoon,' Carolina's friend whispered to us.
Riiight. That's what they all say.
After an hour and a half of sitting politely through an elementary lecture on setting priorities, dressing appropriately, and the difference between good (Christians) and bad (me), we slipped out and went for dim sum.
Then I went home. And pulled out the molasses.
11 comments:
Julie, I don't want to start a diatribe on religion here because I respect your right to believe or not believe. I do, however, think that as a liberal who theoretically respects all people, positions, etc,, you are being very "un-liberal" to Evangelical Christians in your post here.
Don Lauderbaugh
Sorry about the "Anonymous" post. I apparently checked the wrong "Identity" button.
Don L.
When in University, I once accompanied a room mate to such a meeting. As you did, I got out alive, but I mention it over the phone to my parents. The very next morning, at 8, (I was still in bed) my parents had driven all the way to Stockholm to talk to me. Sex, drugs, alcohol- nothing scared them as much as me joining that church...
Don - Freedom of religion in the USA does not mean that they are free from criticism or humor. If you're not a believer, the rituals, special vocabulary and dogma do seem pretty strange.
Personally I prefer to make fun of Scientologists, with all their couch jumping, acronym creating, US Navy imitating, and Tom Cruise diefying.
Still, even cults get first amendment protection. But the slings and arrows of criticism and humor also get the same protection. :)
I didn't get the impression you were condemning these people or anything it was just obvious this form of worship doesn't resonate with you.
No big deal. I think it took guts to scope it out. Now you know that this kind of thing is not something you will make part of your life.
Keep writing.
Molasses cookies you say? Sounds like a good plan to me.
LOVE your kimchee joint comment! Hilarious, yet again. Praise the LaAARDDDD with tongue! When the praises go up, tongues go????
I loved bible camp specifically because it was the only time I ever got to hear poeple speak in Tongues. I loved it so much in fact that I would make up words and tell my friends that "googlywoop" and "bananaram" were gifts from the lord (because he only gives you the gift of Tongues one word at a time).
It's like god´s verification cache.
Julie, i laughed out loud reading this! And i SO want some of your molasses cookies. Keep baking! (It's WAY better than going to some church where speaking in tongues is promised but never materializes. At least, this way, when you're done you have COOKIES!)
Living as a nun in a certain Asian country, I dedicate my life in praying.
You know, you should pray too. It is very therapeutic.
I talk to God and he says that I look good.
I don't know if he's flirting with me. But I kinda like it.
From then on I was inspired to hold on to my faith.
Who knows we might get married and I could become a saint!
-PS this is just an example of what made me think when I read your article. Don't get me wrong, I really laughed reading your post. I can't help it.
The reason people get ticked-off with jokes is because their Egos are too high above the mountains. Sometimes they have to lower it so as to give way to traffic.
Haha I stumbled on this blog and now I'm hooked. Who doesn't love a snarky traveler?
www.issheserious.com
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