It smells like it sounds

The game starts with all participants encircling a drum-able surface, fists pounding in unison with the finest bottle of vodka $10.50 Australian can buy laying in wait.

The 19-year-old Belgian ringleader hollers, 'What's the name of the game?'

And everybody shouts, 'Let's get fucked up!'

'I can't HEAR you - what is the NAME of the GAME?'

This time, with emphasis: 'Let's get FUCKED UP!'

Then follows a series of deeply complex hand gestures and count-offs. When somebody, er, fucks up, he or she drinks. Okay, everybody drinks because... well, that's the name of the game.

It was a charming reintroduction to the world where I meet really nice people, who later vomit all over the sink while I'm brushing my teeth.

Hosteling: where everyone is young, free and most importantly, ignorant to all standards of hygiene.

Would you like a bed bug infestation to complement your new STI? Done!

When The Diplomat said she'd come and meet me halfway through my adventure, she had a few stipulations:

1. No bunk beds
2. No partying
3. No tours of prisons

'I don't know what all this hostel business is, but if it smells like it sounds, your mother is not interested.'

See, The Diplomat doesn't get fucked up.

So, begrudgingly, I accepted her offer to stay in hotels where actual cleaners use actual cleaning products that actually clean.

There was no mold on the shower curtain because there is no shower curtain in a 5-star hotel! There were no smelly French people snoring in 3-part harmony or Cuban girls having epically bad sex from a five foot distance (por favor, amiga, just fake it already!)

Just days beforehand, mom checked us into Melbourne's Windsor Hotel (shaped like a castle, clever). This was class. Even the queen has stayed there! Beyond the high tea and our butler, I was most impressed the Windsor had a pillow menu.

'Yes, Miss Lauderbaugh,' said housekeeping (housekeeping!), 'would you prefer the aromatherapeutic lavender-infused goose-down or an extra firm anti-snore contour cushion?'

A contour cushion?

Let's get fluffed up!

Half a year gone already...